It is 7:32. Roughly 15 hours until I have to give my speech. It has just hit me that I only have one shot to get into the second round. There will be five of us per room, and only two will be chosen.
15 hours to work, not including sleep. Subtract a good 8 hours, and I'm left with a mere 7. Subtract time for going to the hotel gym, eating, showering, makeup, hair, and dressing, and I am left with approximately 4 1/2 hours. I begin to wish I'd practiced more in the car; I had the time then.
I've been standing in a circle of contestants, lightly chatting about tomorrow, our plans for college, the weather, food. As I tune back into the conversation, I catch that they are discussing past speaking experience. One girl mentions that she's been in theater productions for the past 14 or so years. She is used to giving long memorized speeches. Another states that she's been competing nationally for speech and debate for 5 or 6 years. As more people talk about their speaking history, I begin to feel...out of place.
3 1/2 hours. I forgot to subtract time for this event - a meet and greet for the contestants. I've met several girls competing; most seem genuinely nice, although a few remind me of competitive barbie dolls. I feel bad;
everyone has been nice, and polite. No outrageous attitudes of superiority, it's just a vibe I feel. A little questioning inside of myself. If they knew how little experience I've had, they'd probably laugh and ask why I've even come.
Inadequate. Ill prepared. Step up to the plate, hon. They aren't gonna cut you any slack.
I spend the rest of the evening practicing my speech. Wandering the hotel halls, listening to the recording I made of the speech on my ipod. I grimace a few times. The inflection on that line is off. I can almost hear the pause in my train of thought as I recognize that this is the spot where I had to grab my speech and read from it until I regained my place. Could those glitches in the recording somehow stick with me as I give my speech from memory tomorrow? Will they be able to tell I didn't have it down until tonight? I decide to ride the elevators. As people come in and out, they see that I'm not going anywhere. A girl riding the elevators with her ipod in. 19 floors, up and down. I don't care.
The people coming and going give me a chance to pause in my practice. Keep me from focusing too long on how nervous I'm growing. I don't know if I'm really doing myself any good, but I'm having fun.
I do this for fun. This is not about winning, it's about the love of speaking and passion for the innocent. If the passion comes across, I know I have done my job well.
I have no time to really practice the next morning. I get up early to work out, then get ready. It is suddenly time to check in. I'm told that I must draw for speaking order. Last. Rats. I have been hoping for second or third, but I'm told that fifth really is the best spot as I have more of a chance to leave my impression.
I will not get nervous. I am prepared. I have spent hours and hours getting ready for this; I can give my speech without messing up. I will nail it.
The first speech blows me away. It can't get better than this. Or can it? I begin to think about the kids yesterday. Have they all been ''speeching'' for years? I listen to the second and third speeches. They are both really good. I think my delivery is better than the second. The third, I'm not so sure. She looks so comfortable up there. Can I pull that off? The fourth speaker stands up to speak. He is tall, and only stands four or five feet away. I have to look way up to see his face. As he starts speaking, I can tell his speech is going to make the room emotional. Call it a speaker's premonition, or maybe it's just my fear that I'll lose it. He tells of his family's history of choosing life. He tells of his adoption and his brave birth mother. And then the shocker: she is here, now. In this room. I am having a hard time keeping the tears back as he finishes up.
What a great story. Keep it together; you will be up soon. Look up, show that you are listening. Don't be rude. Look down. Blink. You can't cry. Tears may be appropriate after that story, but they won't help your speech any. Focus.
And then he is done. We all clap. I know I will have roughly 45 seconds before I have to get up. Should I give my title? Mom says I should. Stories, Lies, and Propaganda. I haven't practiced with it. How long should I pause? Better not; no need to put extra strain on my nerves at this point. Maybe next round, if I get through.
"Lauren Hayden." They call my name. Slide my brave, confident, outgoing face on. I will pretend that I am afraid of nothing. They can't know how I'm shaking inside. I pretend I am a con artist. This is my turn to act.
"I love stories." I have started. Just a few more lines and I feel my confidence coming back for real. I don't have to act as much.
And then it is over. I am done. Last speaker. I look over to Mom and then to Granddad. We will soon walk out; back up to our rooms. We have just over an hour before we will find out who has made it, and who hasn't. I need to eat lunch, but I'm not hungry; surprise, surprise.
Roller coaster ups and downs. This is how my emotions and energy levels have acted all day. Pull it together. I won't even make it to the next round. I steel myself for the inevitable. There are so many kids who have been speaking much longer than I have.
I sit with my friend Leah. We have decided that when we both don't make it to the next round, we will go swimming. They read the names off in order of scores. Lowest first, ending in top scores. Suddenly, right in the middle, we hear my name, then hers. We are both through!
The roller coaster has just taken off again! Up for the long hill. Soon you will be inside out and upside down. Enjoy the ride.
This time I am speaking to a larger audience. It is easier this time; I like bigger groups. I know when I am done that I won't advance. It's not like last time when I thought there might be a chance. This time I know. It does not bother me; I've done as well as I had hoped - my best. I really feel I given it my all. And there's always next year, right?
I stick around to hear the results. My plan is to then go change, and come back in time to hear the last four speeches. As we all wait, there is a kind of charged silence. Everyone has worked so hard for this day. And then, as we wait together the top four contestants are called. Nicole, Christina, Alexa, and Caitlin. All wonderful speakers. What a day it has been. Being here has been a great blessing; and as I listen to the final round, I think about coming back next year. You better believe I'm coming back! What will I do differently? How can I improve? I know I have a lot of work to do.
I am still on that adrenaline high; this is what I love doing.
This is something I will remember forever.
This is me.
I am speechless.
